Beauty and its contest

Me and friends of mine usually have this talk about us joining all the beauty pageants in Palembang, but we've come to a conclusion that 'this is not us'. I still don't get it how in a week or two of a quarantine you can crowned as 'queen' or 'king' and how only (most of the time) through singing, dancing, and acting you can pass the selection?

I know it's more than make-up on, walk, wave, answers and win. But I still don't believe with the 'beauty, brain, and behavior' that most of the beauty contests have. They still setting up a standard and put us into classes. If not, why do they still have those questions about your height and weight in the registration form? how come, the one that are in the semifinals or finals are those with long legs and ideal body weight? what happens to the ones that are not tall enough and oversize?

If beauty isn't judge by the size of your jeans and your height, should these people get into the spotlight too?

Day 8- Something I learn today

There's no reason for us to be down. Go outside and take a look around. What do you see? Reasons to be happy. Cause out there, there are people who are less fortunate than you. So why we pull muscles when we can create dimples? Smile! it's free :)

- Fida Muthia

Day 4- Berbaikan dengan Tuhan

Saya pernah ditanya: Apakah sholat itu ibadah atau rutinitas, sebatas kebiasaan? Saya otomatis jawab kalau sholat itu ibadah. Waktu itu argumen saya kurang kuat dan saya sempat percaya kalau sholat yang saya lakukan hanya sebatas rutinitas. Tapi sekarang saya tahu, kalau sholat itu ibadah. Ada sebuah komunikasi yang terjadi antara manusia dengan Tuhannya dan itu terjadi waktu kita sholat/ ibadah. Saya memang tidak terlalu khusyuk waktu sholat, tapi kita merasa hubungan itu, ya kan?
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Rutinitas spiritualitas saya kacau. Saya bukan orang yang taat tapi untuk yang 5 waktu itu, saya berusaha untuk tidak bolong. Beberapa bulan terakhir, saya selalu tidur malam (diatas jam 12) akibatnya, subuh sering telat atau waktu sholat, saya merem-melek antara tidur- terjaga. Sholat di waktu lain pun juga seperti, hanya sebatas gerakan. Untuk duduk sebentar selesai sholat pun saya terlalu sombong, alasannya sih sibuk, banyak kerjaan. Saya sudah menjauh.

Belakangan ini saya merasa Tuhan tidak ada disana; kosong. Ah, mungking hanya perasaan, entah lah. Kiai/ ustadz diluar sana sering bilang, ibaratkan Tuhan sebagai pacar, kalau kita terlalu sering menjauh pasti dia sakit hati. Dalam hal ini, saya terlalu sering menyakiti Tuhan; datang hanya pada waktu saya menginginkan sesuatu atau sedang susah, untuk bersyukur pun terlalu sibuk. Dosa sudah menggunung pun tetap sombong.

Tapi disini yang membedakan Tuhan dan manusia, entah sudah berapa sering saya sakiti, waktu saya kembali, dia masih ada disana. Sang Pemaaf dan Maha Penyayang. Sekarang saya lagi memperbaiki hubungan dengan Tuhan, saya merasa segan. Rasanya seperti habis berbaikan setelah bertengkar dengan seorang teman, sedikit canggung.


credit
Tuhan itu ada disana, dia tidak pernah pergi hanya kita, manusia, yang terlalu sering menjauh. Mau sejauh apapun kita pergi, suatu saat kita pasti kembali.

Time machine

There's a moment where you want to leave but people force you to stay.



I know, they want what's best for me, but I learn my mistake. I couldn't make everybody happy with my decision. I'm still scared to see their disappointing faces when the time is come.

'Leave' for me is the easiest thing to do, yes, I might sound like a coward but it is the best solution. 'Leave' to me, is finishing all my responsibilities that I don't have the connection with that party anymore, start all over again; if we were a microsoft word, I'm thinking about creating 'a new blank page'.

My problem is comfort. I put comfort first in everything I do/wear. When I don't feel comfortable with people/things around me, I leave. My adaption did not success, I've been through a process and I try to adapt but I still don't feel comfortable. Now, is it my fault if I want to leave?

This is why I want to have that Harry Potter cloth, I can just hide when I'm in doubt and watch the world goes by. Oh yes, I'm a coward.

Little black clouds over

I always love Cassey's actions especially her B&W actions so I decided to use it on my pictures.
I'm the type of people that build bricks around them and easily traumatized, but couple of months ago, I try to put down the bricks one by one in my precautions state and trying hard to open up. There are flashes in my mind and I try not to think about the worst that can I happen since it's just going to push me to arrange the bricks back again. But then, we can not push the bad away as it's already written on us. I've been in doubt, but I try to be positive and I was wrong (perhaps).

I thought what we've-- I've-- been doing will end up in something, something I expected and though I'm still hoping, I don't really believe in it. I can't conclude it now, but I can see where they cycle goes; it's the same cycle, in where I'm the one that's gonna get tired and fatigue.

It's not the end yet, I still can change it and with little believe that left in me, I'm going to twist the cycle; gonna stop for a while.

Beauty

Physical appearance is important. You can't deny it. You judge a person by their looks even only for split seconds. And it's always the pretties that get the spot. It becomes a cycle. People can say what really matters is what in the inside but as much as you try to convince people with that principle, you're outnumbered with those who believe physical appearance is something.

And this is where I hate all the beauty pageants, they set up a standard on our physical appearances; which one is pretty and which one is ugly. Brainwash. And the standard becomes the mindset; that the tall and skinny body define what beauty really is. A lot of people especially girls are being tamed in this mindset that they try too hard to be in the category. Which is pathetic.

Dress nice and be comfortable with it and you already look beautiful.

Taken by Madi

What you do, the way you think, makes you beautiful- David (Uglies, Scott Westerfeld)

It's true, our lives are just series of deadlines. And we're running to reach it.
24 hours and 7 days aren't enough anymore.
And all the runnings right now are driving me crazy.
I really want to stop, but I'm scared that I won't be able to run anymore.
I'm scared if I run slower I won't reach the deadlines, well maybe I should run earlier?
am just tired.

Fatigue.

Another paragraphs about the L word

Most people, include ourselves, are blinded by love and hatred most of the time. We choose relationship over friendship, relationship over college work, relationship over our future, just because of love. We let ourselves being tamed by some unreasonable rules our partners made and our time are wasted on making sure what we’re doing is right to them. We’re being a prisoner. I’m not writing bull, I write based on what I see every day from everyone near me. It’s okay to be in love, it’s normal. But when your relationship doesn’t seem logical to people around you, you got to think.

And people may have all these opinions on what’s love and hate really is, but to me, love and hate are the same. Love is when all is good and hate is when all is hell, different condition, different word. It depends on people perspectives. Blergh.

* I'm not offending anyone, this is just a late night post.

Free hugs, anyone?

do you know this scene?

I wish I could give hugs to everyone. Call me old fashioned, but I still follow those Islamic rules about opposite sex. I'm not strict, as in religiously, but I don't give hugs to the opposite sex except the one in my family. It'll be a long post if I explain how that works but anyway, I wish I could give hugs to everyone. Hugs have tremendous effect to our emotions, they calm us down and it's a gesture of saying everything's okay, well, that's what I believe anyway. What are they to you?

Lesson #1

Kalau aku lulus waktu itu, terlalu enak hidup aku. Tenang, Allah itu maha adil.
- I spit it out something I tend to forget

I'm amazed on how long it takes me to realize that what I've got so far is what the best for me. Sometimes, I never really evaluate my prayers, I tend to forget what my prayers really are. I'm too comfortable flowing with the flow that it gets me confuse most of the time. I'm beginning to understand what "God doesn't give what you want, but He gives you what you need" saying mean. Ah well, I've learnt so much from this growing up things and I'm sure I'll learn more. We are on the learning people.

Catatan hari ini

Kalau eksis itu bukan hanya dilihat dari apakah kamu punya akun twitter atau facebook, berapa banyak orang yang 'follow' twitter kamu, atau jumlah teman facebookmu yang melebihi 1000. Eksis juga berarti seberapa banyak kontribusi yang kamu berikan ke lingkungan sekitar kamu.

Jangan hanya terlihat tapi kosong, cobalah untuk mengisi.
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Tolong bedakan antara kebutuhan dan tuntutan pergaulan.

Another conversation

I had a conversation with a good friend, when she asked me a question: whether we are ruining our lives by studying in the field that doesn’t suit us.

Well, both of us feel that the field we study doesn’t suit us, she’s in accounting and I’m in management. We both agree that economic development is way interesting and more ‘us’.

Anyway, to react to that question, I had no answer to that. I said to her that I actually had never thought of that, I never regret choosing this major. I know management doesn’t really suit me, but it’s not principal if you know what I mean. I have a ‘turn-around’ strategy; I won’t study in any science faculty, like engineer, computer science, or pharmacy except medical. And if I can’t get in to that faculty, I’ll be in the faculty that is 100% different to the meds faculty which I think, is economy. So, I chose to be in management. There’s no regret, in fact, I’m grateful to be here though once in while I’m still imagining me being meds student, ha.
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If you feel you’re ruining it, and then you have to change, it all depends to us.

Remember our bus conversation, Nisa?

This is what I think about life:

This life is ours, do what you want to do; not to impress nor to hurt people but do what you think is right. And that's good enough. If your actions impress people, then it's a bonus, if it hurts them then, change (that if you want to change). Just try hard not to hurt people and understand more.

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Hidup itu hanya tempat singgah. Tuhan memberi kita waktu untuk mengambil sebanyak mungkin bekal yang bisa kita ambil untuk kehidupan yang kekal. Waktu yang diberi Tuhan bisa sebentar bisa lama, sekarang kembali ke manusianya itu sendiri, apakah dia akan berleha-leha atau dia akan mengumpulkan bekal sebanyak mungkin.

I don't know, maybe the sentences don't relate to one another and my grammar sucks but I feel like writing them. Thank you for reading.

Melancholy, a confession

To tell you the truth, I'm at that point at the moment.
Pathetic.

Motivating and humor myself at the moment which make me feel even more pathetic. I try to be grateful for what I have but, it isn't working right now. I'm going to burst. I think I should go to psychiatrist or something.

You could be sad but never torn

(source)

I don't know how it feels, but all I can say is that after great sadness comes happiness. Just be strong.

This post dedicated to one of my closest friend, Fiddelia Dumroh, who just lost her mother today.

1001

"There's 1001 ways to Rome", one of Indonesian famous line saying not to give up. If you try once and you fail then try again, maybe with another way. What I am trying to point out here is that there's other way, don't stuck yourself with one option. You say, fail is when you stop trying, well you see, I don't stop trying, I try to use another way. I've tried one way and it didn't work well, I stop trying at that path cause I've still got another 1000 ways to try. I'm not going to mourn over 'what I've did that didn't work well' cause life goes on, whether you like it or not.

Motivate, humor, help yourself and everybody will do the same to you.

Know yourself

I don't want to involve in a serious commitments that force me to give my 110% shots on every actions. Blergh. I have my own rules and I try not to hurt people in anything. I hate being told. I'm quite a rebel I think. I just discovered it days ago. When people nod their heads, agreeing in whatever 'those' people say, I didn't react and besides, did the opposite of what the command says. And that's why I sometimes like to imagine myself as a horse, I simply love freedom yet I have boundaries.

Express emotions

I really envy my youngest sister since she only knows 2 feelings; Happy and Sad. When she's happy, she's giggling and running around the house and when she didn't get what she wants or she's hungry or ill, she just cry hard. She doesn't have to feel guilt when she broke a glass or a plate. She's just a toddler. She goes out there and everybody loves her. And now, you see why sometime I really wanna be a kid again. Never gives a damn of what happen to the world, doesn't need to do certain stuff people told you to do, you can just be who you are and do what you want cause everybody won't blame you, "you're just a kid" they think.

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I feel nauseous when I see people in my campus, especially my faculty. My stomach feels weird when I see certain people, I feel sick. My head's spinning. The way they act, they think, they talk, they wear clothes, they're all the same. And to me, it's awful. I don't really know why I feel that way, maybe I'm scared that I look exactly the same like them in someone's perspective. I want to be different. I am different.

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Friends. There are a lot of questions in my mind about the bond of friendship I have with certain friends too. Why are they friends with me? Is it because what I have or is it because I am me. But I try to be positive. I am me and that's their reason.

A year older

I turn 19 today and there's nothing really special about it. There's no surprises, cakes, celebrations or presents (well, except the novel Nida gave me weeks ago), there's only dozens of birthday wishes given to me, directly or via Facebook and sms. And I feel happy. They really made my day, really. You see, I never celebrate my birthdays well except when I was 4, my parents made this small birthday party for me cause my friends had theirs and I begged for one, so that doesn't count. Celebrating birthday is not my family tradition (I've mention this before) and I've grown with it. It's kinda weird for some people but I'm fine with it. Nothing to celebrate when you're one step closer to death, but that doesn't mean I don't accept presents :)

And there's nothing different of being a year older either; I feel the same like yesterday when I was just 18 or 3 years ago when I was 16. I'm not getting older, I hate the word 'old', it's just I've been in this journey for 19 years and I have to rewind what had happened to me for the past 19 years and all that happened to me years ago made me who I am, today. I'm happy cause I'm still breathing in this 19 years of my life and that's something I have to be grateful of.

As for birthday wishes, I wish everything's in its own track and God helps me with everything.
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You don't have to know what 'everything' is

Things that cross my mind

Oh yo!
Memory!
Must you bring up these things?
Only stupid words
Make me forget all of that
Stupid memory
Can I forget all that crap?
Stupid memory
Can I forget all of that?

Stupid Memory- Sondre Lerche

Too bad memories in our head is not eraseable.

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End of year 2009 is very near and for the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about all things I've done for the past one year erm, actually for the past 1,5 year. Yes, since I became college student. Ahh, memories. Quantitatively, 1,5 is a small number but let's count to how many changes you've made, things you've experienced, people you've met for the past 1,5 years? Countless. The experiences I've been through, the people I've met, things I've discovered for the past a year and half make me realize that this is what we live for! And being 18 is not enough to experience, to meet, to discover it all.

Now, I am more understand how things around me work, understand how people feels and how they want to be treated, and most of all I understand myself. When you grow up, not just your age that adds up but also your understandings. And the time you understand something it's the time you tell yourself that this is what you live for.